Dealing with a passive aggressive person

I’d been married for eight years and during those eight years I didn’t once know that the man I was married to was a passive aggressive. How could I have know, he was so ‘nice’ he never shouted or argued and was easy going and yet somehow I always felt hurt. I always felt let down one way or the other, feelings I couldn’t explain. I always felt that the relationship was a bit flawed. But because I couldn’t see it, I always thought there was something wrong with me. I did everything in my power to change but the under current of the relationship remained the same. It took a separation and a number of counselling sessions to finally see the light. I was freed from thinking something was wrong with me. It was as though I’d been in a dark room and the light had suddenly been switched on. I saw the light. I’ve decided to write this topic with the hope that it may help other people understand passive aggressive behaviour. It’s sometimes very hard to spot, especially if the other person seems so ‘nice’. A passive aggressive person is a great manipulator and they are able to flip the switch on you so quick you’ll begin to think something is wrong with you.

What is passive aggressive behaviour?

It can be quite tricky to spot as it comes in many different forms. A passive aggressive person generally tends not to speak honestly about their feelings. If for example they don’t agree with something, instead of being open and honest about it and letting you know they often agree with you. In fact they can be very friendly and polite which makes it extra hard to realise passive aggressive behaviour.

This was why it was so hard for me to understand my ex’s behaviour. We would discuss something and he would politely agree but his actions were always the opposite of what we had agreed. Or his other actions would offend me, e.g. one weekend he’d gone out. I was working late and didn’t have the house keys with me. When the shift was over and because I worked so close to home I walked home only to discover he wasn’t home. It was late and I was locked out of my own home. He hadn’t bothered to tell me he was going out. To top this up his mobile phone went straight into voicemail. I left countless messages to which he never responded to any.

After about thirty minutes and not sign of him I had to go to my sisters for the night.

The next morning was no different, he still hadn’t shown up. Worried that something may have happened to him I rang his parents. They too hadn’t heard from him. The morning drifted on, mid afternoon still nothing. Now even his family began to worry. So we began to ring around, his friends, hospitals and police stations. There was no sign of him, I was worried sick. At 6pm he showed up. I was livid, first because he didn’t tell me he was going out and secondly because he’d disappeared and worried me. Now this is where he took advantage and flipped the switch on me. First he calmly said he was sorry and that his mobile battery had run out. Secondly he said he was alive and that the outing had been unexpected. He’d gone away with friends and had left his car at his friends place so couldn’t get back in time. He totally ignored the fact that I was upset, instead he used it against me with the words, ‘Why are you so upset?’ This only added fuel to the fire as he just wasn’t getting it. He was home free. I was angry and over reacting. What I didn’t realise at the time and many more times after that was that this is what passive aggressive people do.

Counselling opened my eyes to this behaviour. The counsellor asked an important question, ‘Why shouldn’t you be upset?’ You see, once my ex had said ‘Why do you over react, why are you so upset?’ I would feel guilty and question my feelings. Counselling showed how my anger released him of guilt. I was angry; I shouted he paid for it. Once you shout at a passive aggressive they have no more reason to feel guilty, they’ve paid for it, and you’ve taken away the guilt.

It took a few sessions with the counsellor to show me how the dynamics of the relationship worked. How my reactions justify his behaviour. Yes I was upset and should be. A person who loves cares and respects you should never put you in that position. It took a few sessions to be able to come to this and realise that I wanted more.

How to deal with passive aggressive behaviour?

Because there are so many traits it’s sometimes hard to pinpoint it. But if you find that a person regularly;

Forgets things

Is always late

Makes excuses

Behaves like a victim

Non communication, where you have to keep asking the person if there is something wrong.

Then you may be dealing with a passive aggressive. So how do you deal with it? I can only share my experience as an example but it doesn’t necessarily mean you must do the same. This it a guide that I hope will help others. Counselling helped me see a lot of things. The first thing I realised was that after eight years the relationship was over. You have to break free from soul destroying behaviour.

The first thing to do is to identify this behaviour and acknowledge it. When you spot it you are able to make conscious decisions about your reactions. This was hard for me at the beginning but it taught me to break the pattern. Every time my ex did something that upset me, I ignored it. That was tough and didn’t feel right at the time but the counsellor told me to walk away, go somewhere and out of his sight. Go into the bathroom if I had to calm down but should not engage with him.

It’s easier said than done but if you want to break the pattern you must stick to your guns. When you stop enabling the behaviour by reacting to it and giving the person what they want, it forces the passive aggressive to take responsibility or not. But you don’t take on the responsibility of their behaviour. Perhaps the person has hurt you, but you see that so you can remove yourself from their presence so they can stop hurting you.

It took three months for me to finally get through to him. I stopped engaging. I stopped excusing this behaviour and I had to break free for me. It was hard but it had to be done.

This is the best thing I’ve learnt. Five years on, divorced we have better communication and when he does try to play that game I quickly disengage and his behaviour changes.

At the end of the day you always want what’s best for you. If a relationship is painful and you can’t figure out why, then something is wrong. You always deserve the best.